Ho hum.

The Met Office has raised its heatwave alert level in parts of England, as hot and humid conditions look set to continue until Friday.

London and the South East are now on Level 3 of four, with temperatures set to reach at least 32C (89.6F). (BBC)

Well, good heavens. My parents have just got back from a week in 35C Cyprus - how are they still alive to tell the tale?

"Drink water!", they shriek. Well, there's some new advice. Most days I don't drink anything but my own urine, but now that it's hot outside, I'll be sure to take on some of this nectar they call 'water'.

"Keep cool!". No, I want to see what happens when, like Manny, I reach over 88F. Plus, my instinct is to AVOID shade, not seek it, especially when I start blistering.

And surely the best pieces of advice of all, from BBC News Magazine:

"Don't carry anything in your pockets. Even a credit card in a pocket is noticeably uncomfortable. It is covering up a bit of skin surface. If you can bear to have a short haircut, do so, it makes you so much more comfortable."

Righto, so it isn't as simple as drink water and stay out of the sun: I'll get naked, shave my head, and carry my possessions in a net bag held between my teeth.

YES! It's HOT! Get over it! It'll rain at the weekend!

Now somebody bring me a fan before I DIE, or worse!

Been at home for a few days. Got back here last night. Five days was enough, seeing as Mum and I haven't spoken since Saturday afternoon (sample from altercation - Mother: "You're the saddest, most depressing and miserable person I know". Me: "Oh really? I know someone far worse.")

I'm at work this week. I asked one of the other guys who was doing his block of shifts first if he fancied alternating weeks instead, so I'm at work all week, but off the week after, etc. Will keep the money coming in at a steadier rate anyway.

On Saturday afternoon I found out that the refurbishment of the hall starts today. When I got back last night I had to empty out all my chests of drawers (of which I have 4) and wardrobe and push the furniture into the hallway. Rather than pack the rest of my stuff into bin liners at least, I just dumped it. I am quite literally living on the floor at the moment. This IS a squat. The only piece of furniture left is the desk with the impossible-to-move fish tank on it. I haven't figured out what to do with that yet. They want to replace my carpet so I'll have to think quickly. They want me to move out all together into another hall while they do it but I have said all but "Fuck off!" to that. All crap is going into cupboards in the corridor and I'll move into a completed student room when they want to do my room. I should probably tell them my plans.

I had very little sleep last night. I nodded off about half 1, then woke at 3ish to the sounds of blokes wandering around the grounds again, underneath my window. Only this time, they weren't drunk lads just having a look around on the way home from the pub like normally happens, these were blokes trying the doors and windows. Went on for about half an hour. I felt like opening the window and explaining to them that if they looked properly they'd see that the hall is currently unoccupied and even if they did manage to break in, and then get in a room, they'd find it completely empty. Except, I didn't want them to know I was there. Slight quandry. They wouldn't get in - it takes me long enough even with keys. No point calling the police for such things, they wouldn't get here in time going on past experience. If they turn up again tonight I'll call security out.

Then about half 4 two cats started scrapping which set off the crows which set off the ducks near the dyke. Another twenty minutes.

Woke up at 7am. Bad stomach.

Been up since then. At work at 1pm. My eyes hurt.

No sign of the builders.

Well done Nick, Landers, Sweetymon and Middleagedbloke - number 2 was indeed the fib.

I don't know whether I'm shocked or amused that some people think I would actually kidnap a cat.

Which one of these is a lie?

1) My first proper kiss was with a girl.

2) When my parents went on holiday I 'borrowed' my neighbour's cat and kept it inside for a week, feeding it tuna.

3) I once made a mix tape for a boy I fancied, it consisted only of "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?" by Diana Ross and "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, on repeat. I delivered it to his house at 1am after sneaking out of the bathroom window, propping it open and leaving a chair outside it so I could climb back in.

Why else would he be there?