Every night when I turn this laptop off and go to bed, I mentally start to write something. My brain instantly takes over. Sometimes I don't know if I'm awake anymore.
The common image is a letter. It's like I'm dictating it and someone else is taking it down. I always want to write it myself, but it gets to daylight and it's gone, everything I want to say is brushed aside and I talk about crap instead, while my brain turns to mush from all the churning thoughts that will return to plague me that night instead. It will once again be 3am and I am on my back in tears over something I can't write down.
It's nothing I can even vocalise, even if anybody would sit and listen, and even if I could ever manage to tell them.
I fantasise about finishing the letter and everything being clearer. I know this won't happen. I prevent this from happening by making excuses, because I know the potential fall out following its completion would create even more to deal with.
Such trivial matters plague me.
rowtheboat
You'll never write it all at once, medear. Takes a while to work it all out.
And, if you carry on thinking about it, you won't know where to start, either. Because there is never a logical point from which to start.
But if you just start, without thinking about it, you will end up saying something. It may not make much sense, or be what you really want to say - and may therefore frustrate the hell out of you.
But it //will// be a start.