A pre-Chinese Delivery discussion last night led me to some definite conclusions about some things - specifically, Outdoor Pursuits. "Would you want to come paintballing?", I am asked. "No", is my reply. That was the short answer. The long answer would be along the lines of "No way, José".

Post-Chinese, and post-That Mitchell and Webb Look (which, incidentally, has taken a whole series to be funny, but was worth the wait), I began to ponder. It is generally a given that I don't like doing anything at all, not just Outdoorsy Things, just absolutely anything whatsoever. More often that not it is due to my incredibly gripping fear that the inevitable following will occur:

a) prove demonstrably terrible at said activity
b) become subject of teasing and/or mocking
c) become inwardly hysterical and distraught
d) store up teasing and/or mocking inside where it will gnaw at me
e) consider self a failure at life and once more lament that we are not able to hibernate

All that considered, I have realised that I do not dislike the thought of some things not because I fear I will be terrible at them (although that is, naturally, a given), I simply fail to see the point in them entirely.

Paintballing

Paintballing is an activity where you dress up in oversized camouflage attire, stalk people in the woods, and shoot them with pellets of paint. If you are lucky, you will leave these woods with your eyesight intact, one remaining fully functioning kidney, and bruises weeping bloody tears.

Furthermore, on any occasion that you take it upon yourself to go paintballing, you will find that the folk taking part are all either:
a) 13 year old boys on a birthday trip
b) grown men who think they are Rambo
c) you

Invariably, the second group will forget they are part of a team and immediately adopt the persona of either a sniper in the Red Army, or a fugitive. The first group will almost certainly have their birthday party ruined by one of these adults taking it all a little bit too far. You will find yourself caught in the middle of a bloody, paint spotted massacre. This is not fun.

Laser Quest

Ditto ALL of the above, except that it is even more pointless. You are being zapped by a harmless laser and the worst injury you will sustain is a bruise from falling over in the ball pool or off some large padded bricks, which, incidentally, have been thrown up on, pissed on and probably shat on by traumatised children being fired at in the darkness by their invisible peers. You will leave dusty and nobody will know who won. This is not fun.

Abseiling and Rock Climbing

Regardless of the height or location of this activity, be it a sheer drop over the sea or a climbing wall in Cleethorpes Leisure Centre, the basic premise is the same. You must haul yourself up a wall, or bounce down it in a controlled manner, or you will fall. You know you cannot fall, because then you will swing and look a damn fool, and your genitals will be garotted by the harness you have been made to wear. Furthermore, your weight is being supported by somebody on the ground and if you DO fall and they get slammed into the bottom of the wall because your weight has catapulted them into the air, you will also feel fat, so you are a fat, swinging fool, groping at air, not entirely sure what to do. This is not fun.

Kayaking/Canoeing

Oh for fuck's sake. Nobody needs to do this anymore. You will get wet, you will get cold, your arms will get tired, you will get caught in the only fast current in the river, and you will be swept away. People will think you have mastered it, because you can't turn round to yell for help. The first thing you have to do is learn how to roll in the water correctly, because if you can't do this, you will drown. This is an excellent indicator of the stupidity of what you are about to do. All you will get out of this is an overwhelming urge for terra firma and a mars bar. Not. Fun.

Orienteering

Walking with checkpoints, en kagoul. Sigh.

Caving/Pot-Holing/Climbing into any crevice

There is a reason we don't live down there anymore. It's dark, wet, narrow, and stinks. Caves are inhabited solely by bats and bacteria. Evolution, people - it's happened, get used to it.

I should probably clarify that there are some things that I can see would be enjoyable. I merely feel that these are some of the more pointless activities in the world. Maybe I'm missing something but walking to work in the rain is traumatic enough for me.

If I ever have kids that want to do these stupid things I'm going to make them sign a disclaimer that devoids me of any parental responsibility. I shall wave them off, find a bench, and consume a flask of hot chocolate like a normal person.