Ho hum.

Back from Manchestoh, and my trip to see Ms TheBoat and Elbooooow, who were VERY good, as expected. Lovely to see Row again, too.

I have video footage, if I can be bothered I will put them up. Possibly worth it just to hear me shouting at an old, fat, drunk and very sweaty man who seemed determined to ruin my filming by making stupid noises and looking in front of the camera. You can hear me (whilst pointing my finger in his face) screeching "DON'T! RUIN! THIS!". You don't hear the "FUCK OFF!" or see me pushing him rather forcibly away from my personal space, whereupon he offered me 50p for a charity of my choice to demonstrate how sorry he was. I screeched a bit more, then one of the women he was with punched him in the face and told him to leave me alone. He looked like a sad puppy after that. Ah, Manchester.

"Hiya. I'm locked out my room, I presume you have a masterkey and can let me back in?"

Woah. You presume?

Take a closer look, young man. I am quite clearly wearing nothing but a very white, very fluffy dressing gown. I know you've noticed, because you have turned poached-salmon pink. Both red, and pale.

Furthermore, let us inspect my door. Yes - yes, I presumed correctly. There is a sign that says "Not On Duty".

Let us examine that statement a little closer.

There is a state that various members of staff at this hall can take on at their choosing, known as being 'On Duty'. This sign on my door is my sole method of communicating to anyone whether or not I am currently in that state. The sign says "Not On Duty". I am - I presume - not on duty.

And once again: yes, I have clearly just got out of the bath. Avert your eyes, whippersnapper.

"Yes, I have a mastercard. But it is during the day. I am not on duty. *Gesture to sign*."

"Oh, right".

"Yes. Find the day porter."

"Oh right, I just thought...right...."

"Ta ta!"

This is such a rewarding experience.

I haven't done any work today. Whoops. I only feel a little bit guilty. If I'm not in the mood, I can't work, simple as that.

I've spent a few hours playing with some kittens though, which obviously fills me with sheer delight. Gone a bit MEH now that I'm back in my room, especially because I've just noticed Howard is now belly up in the jug (finally). No doubt the others will follow too. Bloody fish, don't know why I bother.

I have a headfuck going on, a serious, brain-consuming headfuck.

Thank goodness I'm off to Manchester tomorrow, rather glad to be getting out of here for 24 hours.

Ohhh bollocks, got to pack a bag *wail*.

Meh.

Jeez, chill out, it wasn't the Tog Meister, it was Russell Brand

Pre-work:

A bus. I am surrounded by 18 year olds, as usual. We stop outside the Posh Hall, and some lads get on.

Patronising lad to his mates: Do any of you have any headphones?
All: No.
Patroniser: Damn! I've got the new 'Tallica album on my phone. It's amaaazing. Are any of you 'Tallica fans?
All: *A few nods and grunts*
Patroniser: Chuh! I bet none of you have seen them, like, live, like me.
One brave soul: I have, actually.
Patroniser: Oh roight, roight, so er, like, are you a fan? Are you a 'Tallica fan?
Brave soul: *Shrug* Yeah they're all right.
Patroniser: Ha ha! Ha ha! Seen them live, and think they're alright?! I'm a bigger fan!
Brave soul: *Shrug*
Patroniser: Do you like Rage?
All: *Shrug and/or "Hmm?"*
Patroniser: Chuh! Rage Against The Machiiiiine!
Brave soul: Seen them too. They're alright.
Patroniser: *Seemingly about to choke on his own self-imposed superiority* Oh my God, like, I've seen them twice, they rock, like, soooo much!
Me: *Barely suppressed giggle, remembering own liking of RATM when self was 18, six years ago*
Another brave soul, hitherto silent: Dude, they're like, old. Not cool. Not cool.
Me: *Almighty snort*

During-work:

A student: The printer is out of paper.
Me: Ok... *replaces paper*

A student: I can't log on, it says my username is wrong?
Me: Ok, show me what you're doing...yeah, that's not your username, that's your student number.
Student: Ah right! Oh I know what that is...cheers!

A student: Yeah...hi...umm...can I borrow a stapler?
Me: Yes. Here you go.

A student: Umm...yeah...hi...I can't see the printer in the printer menu?
Me: *Click...click...* Ok. Restart. Tell me if that works.
...
Student: It works.
Me: Good.

Me: Are we allowed to use Facebook and MSN?
Colleague, turning away from Facebook: Yes. You'll need them.
Me: Thank fuck for that.

Post-work:

A bus stop. It is fucking freezing. Two students are having a conversation. They are joint drama and English students, one of the worst breeds.

Girl: So, yeah, like...I'm sure I remember you? From Freshers Week? Were you, like, wearing a skirt? Or a dress?
Boy: Yeah, a grass skirt.
G: Yeah, oh my god, yeah, that was it, yeah, a grass skirt, ha ha. Ha ha, yeah.
B: Well that's what I was going for, making an impression, glad it worked, ha ha.
G: Ha ha, yeah. So, like, what are you up to?
Me, under breath: He's stood at the bus stop.
B: Oh I'm, like, quitting smoking?
G: Oh my god! Oh wow! How long has it been?
B: Two days-
G: -wow, wow-
B: -yeah, it's like, really tough, I keep shouting at people to move out the way, everyone's like, really slow when you don't smoke. Cunts.
G: Yeah, wow. Oh but this time next week you'll be, like, a non-smoker!
B: Yeah...I'm worried that maybe I'm like, this really angry person though? And smoking hid that? Dyaknowwhaddamean?
G: Yeah, totally. Oh thank total fuck, the bus is here, it's so cold isn't it?!
B: Yeah, hadn't noticed *flicks lighter*.

Post-work takeaway:

A youth enters, aged around 12/13. I can't tell if it is male or a lesbian. Its phone rings.

"Yeah? Yeah I'm gettin'em now! No I know you don't want no fucking garlic sauce, I'm not getting you any fucking garlic sauce! ["No garlic sauce on that please mate?"] What? Nah, they can't do ya for that. Nah, coz it's like, it's possession yeah, but, like, it's not enough to say you're gonna sell it, so like, get it rolled, I'll be 'ome in 5. What? [Quietly] No I won't fucking do that. No not again, I told ya, I was pissed weren't I? Yeah. Yeah. No we're cool mate. Yeah. 'Ang on, Mike, I'm puttin' you in my pocket [pays for food] Mike? You still there? Yeah you was in ma pocket, I've got yer kebab, I'll be there in 5. [Pause] ...Maybe. I'll need a beer."

Off to see Elbow on Thursday, with Ms TheBoat

Very excited! Elboooow.

Before that, I have an evening shift at the library tonight, I have an e-mentoring training project thing to go to tomorrow, and I have to try and figure out why HowardDonald won't stop floating. I've had to put him in a jug for now. I'll try a bit of salt.

I should really do some work, too Essay due in in a fortnight, and no, I haven't done any work for it yet.

It's all go go go. To quell my excitement, before I get ready for work, I'm having a few squares of dark chocolate and drinking chamomile and honey tea, while watching my new fish. Some of us are born to lead exciting, sexy lives. Some of us are not. Pass the tartan blanket.

I went to buy another guppy, and came home with 6 neon tetras and two Amano shrimp.

The shrimp have been named Captain Hastings and Inspector Japp. No, I cannot tell them apart. They enjoy escaping from tanks, apparently, and seeing as mine has a hole in the top of it, I reckon they may go adventuring. Hmm.

I don't reckon I'll be able to keep the neons alive either, but I shouldn't think I'll get attached to them like I have my guppies, so...meh.

Hurrah for fish, etc.

I have time to fill until 11pm when I get to go to bed. I have a feeling the darlings are going to riot tonight, though. Just a hunch we all seem to feel. Still, if I bolt my door and don't answer the phone, they can't involve me. I abstain.

Anyhoo.

1. WHO WERE YOU NAMED AFTER?
No one as far as I know.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night. I'm worried about my sister.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No it's a mish-mash of roundness and scrawl.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Wiltshire ham.

5. DO YOU HAVE, OR HAVE YOU EVER HAD, PETS? HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD PETS?
Pet mad my whole life, but no dogs or cats. Lots of rodents and FEESH. Like you didn't already know

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Y'know what...probably not. We'd never meet, due to being hermits.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
No. Yes.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes, goddammit. Ouch.

9. WOULD YOU JUMP OUT OF AN AIRPLANE?
No, we're not supposed to be up there in the first place!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
Crunchy Nut *drool*

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Laces? Velcro, darlings, and no, I ruin the heels of every pair I own

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
More than before, but not really.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Rum and Raisin. Heavenly.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
How gobby they are.

15. RED OR PINK?
Colour: red. Artiste: Pink! *eats*

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU?
My digestive system. Or, my tendancy to "hate" everyone and everything.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Oh...sigh.

18. WHAT COLOUR TOP AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Beigey trainers, black vest and grey cardi with little black hearts on.

19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Chocolate sponge and custard

20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Cretins in the hallway, giggling, microwaving something that probably shouldn't be in a microwave. I'd go check, but...

21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Green.

22. FAVOURITE SMELLS
Baking. Anything. Not banana bread.

23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Becky.

24. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Figure skating.

25. HAIR COLOUR?
Brahn.

26. EYE COLOUR?
Brahn.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I used to, now I prefer my glasses, though I do have 90 pairs of daily lenses to see me through the next two years or so.

28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Scaryyyyyy down with rom-coms!

29. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Pirates of the Caribbean, last night, whilst kitten-sitting.

30. WHAT COLOUR TROUSERS, JEANS OR SKIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
My blue 'boyfriend' jeans which I wear everyday and should probably wash.

31. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter. Lovely cold.

32. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses.

33. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Treacle sponge and custard, but, to be honest, fricking anything.

34. WHAT'S OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOWS RIGHT NOW?
A tree and a road.

35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Nothing, it doesn't exist. Touchy pad.

36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Saw 2. Then fell asleep with the TV on.

37. FAVOURITE SOUND?
Clink.

38. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Oh, I dunno, Gran Canaria?!

40. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Oh yes

More tortured souls here.

AAARRGGHHH!   etc.

...and I'm afraid it was Waterstone's.

At 8am, I was woken by the sound of a bus braking sharply at the mini roundabout that is about 5 metres from my head. It occured to me that I was supposed to be getting on that bus. Groan. I obviously turned my 7am alarm off while half asleep. Been here before haven't we?

I was rather kidding myself that I could do two jobs, and duties here, AND an MA, all in a year.

Having had about 2 hours sleep on duty last night (hurrah for punch-ups), I was supposed to then do 9 - 6 at WS today, followed by all day/night duty on Saturday, followed by work all day on Sunday, then start at the library on Monday, and be on duty on Monday night...I have an essay due to be handed in in less than 4 weeks - almost 3 now, in fact - that I haven't even started researching it. Working 16 days in a row leading up to the deadline wasn't going to help with that, and afterall, that is the reason I am here isn't it, really?

Something else has 'give' too, this morning, and I do believe it is something to do with the potion I was given last night to 'help' my stomach bug. If you need me I'll be in the bog.

Now, I cannot speak for gay men, and I cannot generalise for the whole of the lesbian population (though I assure you it is likely the case), but the lesbians of Hull are a curious breed. Hull is a small city - unlike your Manchesters, Leeds, Brightons - and things can get a bit...familiar. On top of each other, you might say. I personally have not been into 'sceneing' for a few years now, it gets a bit stressful and inbred.

So when a (Hull) lesbian meets another lesbian (in Hull), the following mental assessment is made:

1) Have I already shagged her?
If the answer is yes: back away.
If the answer is no: proceed to question 2.

2) Have I seen her in Fuel? [Fuel being the main - nay, only - gay club]
If the answer is no: presume new to the city - or, even better, newly gay - and proceed to chat up.
If the answer is yes: proceed to question 3.

3) Have I seen her with anyone I know - specifically, any of my exes?
If the answer is yes: back away.
If the answer is no: proceed to chat up, and if it goes well: shag, adopt cat, and enter into civil partnership with.

(For the record, I am not a Hull lesbian. I have been response 2a.)

Despite the rigourous guidelines above, it is a simple fact that everyone has had everyone, everyone knows who has had everyone, everyone knows who hates everyone, everyone knows who is a psychopath/clingy/weird...and so on.

So when you meet one, you know it isn't going to be particularly straightforward. Which makes it rather fun sometimes...

(...aaaand, switching to friends only...)

I hav managed to pick up a stomach bug from somewhere, and have been spewing (both upwards and downwards) last night and today. I intended to try and force something down me this evening, but I couldn't even look at the food once I got to the dining room. Still can't face eating anything. Not even chocolate!

I have been aromatherapied by the boss (hippy) who waited until I had finished taking my potion ("Swallow it all down, good girl") to tell me it's not actually legal to do prescribe what she gave me as an internal remedy - "but they can in France, so that's good enough for me". Well alrighty then. I'm on duty tonight, so if she makes me even sicker, she can bloody well take over.

I have made a sign for my door, which is going on at 11pm. "I am ill, and at work early tomorrow. Please don't knock unless you're bleeding to death, etc."

Oh goody. The bell-ringing practice at the church down the road has started. This clanging will seranade me until about 9pm.

I do love Thursday evenings.

Ha! If being busy includes sitting in your pyjamas eating biscuits for breakfast (the ONLY edible thing in my entire flat, I really must go shopping), wondering if it would be a good idea to spend the entire day sleeping. Sigh.

I am very tired. I didn't sleep well as I felt rather ill. Proper "Ooh eck, I'm gonna barf" ill. Didn't barf though. Phew. My elbows are sore too, that kept me awake. The man flu is still kicking around in the back of my throat too. All in all it sounds like I really should spend the day sleeping.

Alas, I cannot! I need to get dressed asap (I won't) and go into uni to register with HR and payroll ("Hello, me again! Yes, I totally agree, I need to get a job that is NOT at this fine institution, and one day that will happen...but for now I enjoy the fact that essentially you are paying me my MA fees back, so chop chop, staff card please") and after that I have a fun afternoon of library and IT training.

I really have rather a lot of work to do. Infuriatingly I want to get on with it but the next few days (well, weeks) are going to spoil that. I have tomorrow daytime free, but that needs to be spent tidying my flat up and getting some food in, and then there's a seminar in the afternoon. I am on duty tomorrow night. I'm at work all day on Friday, B is coming Friday night (and she wants to go out, but I just can't face it), I'm on duty all day Saturday (and night), I'm at work all day Sunday, and Monday, and on duty Monday night covering for someone else. Gah! At that point I will have 3 weeks to do a piece of work that requires extensive research which needs to be done in the library archives and then turned into an essay, which I am phenomenally out of practice with. I may be at work on Tuesday, I am definitely at work on Wednesday, on Thursday I am off to see a certain Ms TheBoat and we're off to see Elbow, Friday...Friday I'm going to fucking nap. No! I'm going to go and get more fish! Hurrah for fish.

Ho hum. It'll come together somehow, no choice really.

I am aware I should probably go and do something right now, I truly am aware. First I got me some adventuring to do. Then I'll get dressed. I promise.

Promise.

Still alive. The man flu has not claimed me...yet.

I had a nice weekend at home; saw a lot of B, walked in lots of parks and woods, fed lots of ducks. Super Hans is very happy. Lucy is still mental. The fish were clean and alive. Girlband left X Factor. All in all an excellent weekend. Apart from Burn After Reading, a spectacularly poor film to the average viewer, that will make excellent fodder for Film Studies degrees.

I have been at WORK all day today, which went quite quickly. There haven't been many changes since I last worked there three years ago, except now there is a uniform (boooo to unflattering t-shirts), gift cards (yaaaaay to no more complicated vouchers!), and a new-fangled stock database which makes NO sense to anyone, even people who have been using it for years. I did two customer orders and suspect I failed to save them. Meh, I can't worry about such things. I don't have many hours from them though, I'm not in again until Friday, and only have two shifts the week after...hmm.

Upon returning home, my guppies were still alive despite not being fed for 3 days, which is good. I only have Howard, Mark and Lulu left. Gary and Jason went belly up last Tuesday. I'm not replacing them with guppies - I'm getting two cherry shrimp instead. I shall name them...hmm. Dunno. I shall just name them.

I start the library job tomorrow...I think. Or Wednesday...not sure. I have to go in tomorrow for something or other. I'll probably get there and find they made a horrible mistake, and they actually meant to employ someone else with the exact same name as me who could actually demonstrate an ability to do the job. Earlier I learnt 300 people applied for the 4 positions this worries me further. I am positive they made a mistake!

It has taken over two weeks,but the urge to do a bit of coursework* has finally hit me. Thankfully(?) I don't have any biscuits, so no distractions either!

*I mean search Google for other peoples' opinions, of course.

...but I have nothing to do for an hour or so, except to pillage from AJ.

Do you eat a lot of fast food?
I do eat it, I wouldn't say "a lot".

How many people have you kissed in 2008?
Er. Er? Two or three I think. Gay men count, right?

Have you ever streaked?
Hell no.

Are you an understanding person?
I try to be, but unfortunately I'm also an impatient and easily frustrated person.

What was the last movie you saw in the cinema?
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, however, by 8pm tonight that will have changed to Burn After Reading.

What did you last get upset about?
Nothing worth mentioning, as usual.

Do you eat sweets on a daily basis?
Oh they ARE lovely...

Does it make you happy to get letters?
No as they are usually bills or letters from charities asking me why I've cancelled my standing order.

Who was the last person to text you?
B.

What are you looking forward to this summer?
"This summer" is quite a long way off. Hmm. Students going home.

Who was the last person you ate with?
Parentals. In couple of hours it will be B.

Do raisins belong in cookies?
Certainly, and various other things too.

Walking into a party, what's the first thing you notice?
How thin everybody else is, followed by how frizzy my hair is, followed by the location of the alcohol.

Kiss on the first date?
Yep.

Would you rather have chicken or steak?
Chicken, steak so often disappoints.

What's one thing you've learned from a good friendship gone bad?
We're all out for ourselves, in the end.

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Super Hans in a box.

Would you ever donate blood?
I'm very freaked out by needles so...no. Sorry. Call me evil if you like, but it's water off a duck's back.

Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes! I have been!

Are there deerheads covering any walls in your house?
We prefer moose in the wilds of Grimsby.

Have you ever been asked out?
I think so. It makes me very uncomfortable.

Are you good at telling jokes?
Not at all, I don't really find 'one liner' kind of humour funny. Jimmy Carr take note.

Have you ever driven without a license?
Of course, when learning to drive. I never passed though...

Do you wish you had smaller feet?
Perfect 7s, thank you.

When ordering sushi, what do you get?
Rice. Cooked rice. (I don't order sushi, I go somewhere where the food is hot and the carbs are rife.)

Do you write in cursive or in print?
A mixture, depends how long I've been writing for. The final stage is 'scrawl'.

Who was the last person you sat next to?
Nanna.

What were you doing at 10 am?
Sleeping.

Are you different now than you were six months ago?
Bit fatter. A different age. Poorer.

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
Lemonade.

How old will you be in 10 months?
25. Aaaiiiieeee!

Do you think you'll be married by then?
Yes. Sorry, I mean, no. No.

Was yesterday better than today?
So far, although this afternoon may involve holding a cute liddle bunnywabbit.

What month is your birthday in?
May.

Can you live a day without tv?
Yes, I am not aware of this being a cause of death.

When was the last time you saw your dad?
30 seconds ago.

How many pets do you have?
2 hamsters and 11 fish. Oh! It used to be so much more than that

Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
Socks or bare feet. I hate wearing shoes, I take them off anywhere.

Available?
I think I can squeeze you in, yes.

What is your favorite colour?
Green.

What are you doing for your next birthday?
Hoping it is in the Easter holidays so that I can come home.

Do you like coffee?
NO.

Do you like iced tea?
Never had it, probably not.

What are you listening to?
"Parents FM" - Whitney Houstan wants to dance with somebody.

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Not anymore, in my narrower-than-a-single bed.

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
I would've done a different degree, or even not bothered with uni at all.

Do you know how to play poker?
Heh heh heh...no.

What are you thinking about right now?
What degree I would've done, or, not've done.

Any plans for next weekend?
In theory, but BOOOO I'll probably be at work and I'm on duty on Saturday.

What were you doing at 12 last night?
Wishing I was sleeping.

Do you smile a lot?
Umm...depends who I am with. Probably not.

Have you ever had a life-threatening injury?
No, how dull.

Do you like flying or driving?
Can't do either myself, but I would have to say driving as I am TERRIFIED of flying.

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Fish and related paraphernalia. And me.

Do you wear any jewelry daily?
4 rings, usually a necklace, 6 earrings. Nose stud. Tongue bar. That doesn't really count does it?

Who got you the jewelry you are currently wearing?
Er...S, B, Sibling, Mum and Dad, Nanna and Grandad, Me.

Who is the funniest person you know?
I know a lot of funny people on here. The funniest person I have ever known I don't really speak to anymore, which is a shame, as like I said, he is the funniest person I've ever known. I think he's one of those 'Extreme Arabs' now...

How often do you remember your dreams?
Normally when I wake up or when I get deja vu, which is terrifyingly often.

What is your ringtone?
Bzzzzzz.

Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk?
Skimmed now but most of my life it has been semi-skimmed.

Are you mad about anything?
I'm always mad about something.

What time did you go to sleep last night?
5am ish.

Where did you last sleep besides your own bed?
My sister's bed. It's comfier than mine so if she's not home, I use it.

Man Flu 

Just in time for me visiting home for the weekend an' all. I don't think I'll get home again until Christmas now either, I didn't really want to spend this weekend snuffling, coughing and streaming from various places.

This also means I can't hold Hans, Lucy, or B's new rabbit Susan! I have missed Hans so much and want a cuddle

I am going for a walk around the duck pond with B for some fresh air, and then I am going back to bed.  Cough hack splutter.

So, not one job offer, but two!

Yes, I got the IT assistant one!

WTF?!? How? HOW? It was officially the worst interview I've had in my life!

So, I now I have two jobs with erratic shift patterns to juggle around my erratic timetable and erratic duty hours at the Hall.

Erratico.

Job

Start Monday.

You're all rather lucky, too. Waterstone's customers generate some excellent stories.

This afternoon I had an interview at the library for an IT assistant.

It was going quite well, considering they remembered me from applying about four years ago, and them NOT offering me the job.
Now really, I only wanted this job because of the hours and location. As a job in itself it is thoroughly boring, plus, the library is really very hot all the freakin' time. Air con? Bah.

I had no expectation of getting it this time, either, as everyone knows the CompSci geeks are untouchable in this area.

Anyway.

I have been asked all my customer service questions, and naturally breezed through them, having lived and breathed student service for 2 years.

"Now I'm going to hand you over to G for the technical questions." Alrighty then.

Question 1:

"Microsoft have a deal on at the moment where students can buy the Office package for around £38. What is this called?"

Mr Brain starts running through some options:

Option 1 - "A bargain?"
Option 2 - "Errr...."
Option 3 - "Pardon?"

Brain chooses Option 3.

"What is the deal called?"

'What kind of fucking question is that?', says Mr Brain. 'You should say that'. Thankfully, I do not say that. I answer, quite honestly:

"I have heard of the deal, my sister took advantage of it. I'm afraid I don't know what the deal is actually called though."

A fair enough answer, I tell myself. It's hardly something I can make up, after all.

'Wait', says Mr Brain. 'There's more!'
'No there is not!', says I.
'Say this...', says Mr Brain, whispering something to me.
'I am not saying that! NO no NO no NO no NO, do not make me say that.'
'Ahhh go'ahn!'
'Yeah, go on!', adds Dyspraxia Tourette's...

"I don't use Microsoft Office anyway. I use Open Office. It's free! Ha ha!"

[DT leans against Mr Brain's frontal lobes for an excellent view of the interviewer writing that down.]

'Cocksuckers', I say.
'We didn't want you to get it anyway', they say. 'The library is a quiet zone, and we like to make you say inappropriate things. This job was no sport for us! Fish and chips for tea, please.'
'Ok. Curry sauce?'
'Yep. Answer question 2 now, they're waiting.'
'Oh yeah...'

"Hello. I requested that a final bill be sent to me at my parents' house after I closed my account on the 29th of August, but you've sent an estimate up to the 9th of September..."

"Ok."

"...why is that?"

"Ok. Well firstly, hi, my name is Robbie. Can I take your na- *oof* Oops. Sorry, just had to move my hair out the way. Can I take your name?"

[etc, etc.]

"That's great, that's smashing. Ok, how can I help you this evening?"

[Repeat first three lines.]

[Robbie checks the account whilst singing "Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby..." to himself.]

"Ok. We have no record of you giving us a final meter reading."

"Well, I did."

"Ok. Well, we have no record of it."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"I rang, gave a final reading, and gave my parents' address for you to send the final bill to. You have managed to use the address to send an estimate to, but you have NO record of me calling?"

"Er...we 'ad a lotta new people start in August, they might not've clicked save."

"...That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"Er...heh heh. Yeah."

"What is the final meter reading?"

"31917"

"And what date was that given?"

"I don't know."

[In manner of speaking to a deaf, elderley foreigner:]

"What is the date next to the last meter reading?"

"I don't know! We don't keep that information!"

"...Are you serious?"

"Also, that meter reading is actually lower than the reading at the start of the account."

"So...you have ignored my cancellation, but sent out an estimated bill to the address I gave you to send the last bill to, and are basing your figures on a reading that is actually lower than the figure I opened the account with?

"I'm going to have to put you on hold for a minu-"

[Bach.]

"Hello?"

"YES?!"

"I'm afraid we're going to have to stick to the final meter reading. It's been agreed, you see. It says "Agreed"."

"Agreed with who?!"

"You."

[Speechless for a few seconds.]

"Right. Can you make a note of this on my account please. Can you SAVE: "Permission from customer to speak with father on her behalf". I don't have time to deal with this and he rather enjoys this sort of thing."

"Er...ok. [He types slowly, saying each word. "...to...speak...with...father..."] Is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No. Are you serious, though, that you don't record the date of meter readings? Seriously?"

"Yes."

"Goodbye Robbie."

"Night night, thank you for calling!"

Last time I checked, I was a grown woman capable of making my own choices, however misguided and daft many of those choices have been. Or seemed.

Many people do not understand me in the slightest, including those who think they have me all sussed out.

Nobody understands, except for me.

I was perfectly fine.

Why do people always interfere?

I bought five guppies today. My first foray into tropical fish! I'm abandoning the goldfish idea, I can't be doing with the fuss.

The tank isn't properly cycled yet (impatient, moi?) so they could all snuff it in the night.

They are possibly the campest bunch of fish I have ever seen. Thus they have been named accordingly:

Howard Donald
Jason Orange
Bully Barlow
Mark, and (because we don't like Robbie anymore),
Lulu.*

Pictures to follow, if I can be bothered to wait for them to keep still.

Pretty little things.

*I am relying on someone to get the TV show reference.

Well here I am, killing time until 1am (I figure any disasters will hopefully be done and dusted by then) and it strikes me that I don't have any pets here.

Super Hans and Lucy are still at my parents' house, along with my minnows. The fish are supposed to be joining me eventually, but I don't think I want the hamsters here. If they ever got out I'd never see them again. They would keep me awake at night. Plus, Super Hans is on his last paws, and I don't want him to snuff it here. It also goes without saying that my parents probably look after them better than I did. Truth be told, I think my dad likes them more than me.

Anyhoo.

At home I also have a spare fishtank, the one I raised the baby goldfishes in.

In this flat, I have a spare desk. A long, wide desk. Long enough and wide enough to house the minnows, and just one of these:

I got me a hankerin' for a fancy goldfish.

Can you think of a single occasion I have ignored such a hankerin'?

Me neither

It's been a little while since I did a round up of my thrilling life.

Living at the Hall continues in much the same way. Mostly good behaviour. Only the odd whiff of dope, only the one naked sleepwalker pissing against a fire door and setting off the alarm. They still forget to take their keys with them everywhere and I can only assume it gives them some sort of thrill to make us go and open their door for them again. A few I have officially certified as retarded. I am on duty tonight, and not in a very good mood either. The temptation to put my earplugs in and go to sleep is overwhelming. I am verrrry tired, because...

I went out last night and got HUUUUUGELY drunk. I hadn't planned to, nor had I planned to drink ALL of my very last cash because I'm supposed to be going on Friday too and can't afford it at all now. Many of the students here were out in the same bar. Most distressing. My breasts were being extremely hedonistic, and 18 year old boys are not practised in the art of tactful perving. One decided to "see if it would annoy me" if he sucked his finger and wiped it on my face. It did annoy me, and I reminded him I have a key to his room, and would be using it to get revenge in one of three ways: smearing chocolate mousse in his hair while he sleeps, pissing on his pillow while he is out, or putting a cat in his room to poo somewhere discreetly. I reminded him at dinner today, and he looked confused. I hope I get some proper sleep tonight, because...

I have an interview of sorts at Waterstone's tomorrow, the branch I worked at a few years ago during my final year of Uni. The guy who rang me (whilst I was trying to register at uni and hand over almost two thousand pounds, much to the purple faced horror and indignation of a Finance bitch) seemed happy to hear from me, I did remember him as being quite nice. I think it's only for weekend work though, if they offer me it at all - I can't do Thursday evenings (late night shopping night of course) and I can't do 4 dates over the next few weekends as I am on duty here. I could try and swap them but having tentatively broached the subject, I think that would go down like a lead lemming leaping off a cliff. I also have seminars at either 3 - 5 or 4 - 6 every day except Friday, which is awkward in terms of shift patterns there. Obviously, I need a job, but it wouldn't be practical. Plus, I have worked there before, and know what it is like...not sure I want to go back to that realm of public stupidity. I really want one I have applied for at the uni library, although I haven't heard back from them about that. I don't think I'm qualified enough to get it, it would just be so ideal. I have applied for quite a few shop jobs, although, I was incredibly confused to get the following email a few moments ago:

Whilst we are naturally disappointed that you have decided to withdraw your application with Boots, we would like to thank you for your interest and wish you every success for the future.

Kind Regards,
Boots Recruitment Team

I appled for 3 jobs in all of the local Boots stores and received this email for two of them. I have not withdrawn my application. I can only assume they don't want me. Really not bothered about that! Perhaps it was me answering honestly, as instructed, on the psychometric test you have to fill in online. "'I never use swear words'...that would be 'Strongly Disagree'...".

Uni is going ok. Have been given work to do already, the horror of it all! I won't be addressing that issue tonight. Tonight I want to go to bed after Never Mind The Buzzcocks, wake up about 9am, get the bus at 12pm, get home by 4pm (opticians after interview *snore*), without having bought any new jeans or shoes (I am determined to prove this to mysef!), and have another early night. But that is wishful Friday thinking.

I wish I was only pretending that someone has just knocked at the door. Sigh...

Just stolen. There's no copyright on these things. Hmph.

Whats your name backwards?
arual

Name some lines from the song you are listening to?

Driven by the strangle of vein
Showing no mercy I'd do it again
Open up your eyes
You keep on crying
Baby I'll bleed you dry

Gay or Straight?
You tell me. No, really. Please.

What goes on your toast?
Clover. Jam on exotic days.

What's the seventh text message in your inbox say?
"Kick."

Has someone groped you in the past week?
No, goddammit.

Lily Allen or Kate Nash?
Music? Neither. Otherwise...Nash.

Last person to call you babe?
None of your business.

I say ‘Jump!’, you say?
Jump! Kriss Kross'll make ya...

Whats the top played song on your MP3 player?
No idea, I can't find the damn thing. Possibly Map of the Problematique.

Who did you last hold hands with?
Er...

Who would you like to meet?
Right this very, very second...Dylan Moran. So I could suck his face.

Funniest thing that happened today?
Realising I was discussing respect and rights for women a) with Nick b) whilst sat in my knickers and bra.

Are you insane?
Yes.

Whats on your bedside table?
Lamp, very old fashioned gold carriage clock, 2 glasses, an empty bottle of medicine, a packet of tissues, DVD remote, Agnes Grey, corkscrew, Berocca tablets, 3 receipts, mini post it notes, 2 chewed chewing gums wrapped in a post it note.

How many piercings do you have?
8. Would've been 9 had I not seen sense.

Whats one of your favourite quotes?
A wizard is never late!

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a S or N?
No!

Is this year the best year of your life?
No.

Ninjas or Pirates?
Pirates, duh.

Where do you want to go right now?
To see Kelly in Canada as I don't think I'm going to get to any of the blogmeets.

Who do you want to go with?
No one.

Do you hate My Chemical Romance?
Aww. Bless their angry cotton socks.

What do you want from life?
One I don't have to keep justifying.

When did you last do sex?
I'm sorry, 'do sex?? Do you mean 'have'? I think you mean 'have'. About a month ago.

What's your nickname and why?
I have many, depending on who is saying it. Mainly Keith, Bean, and Woocoot.

Anything written on your hand?
"Register".

Could you run the Country?
I think it has been proved that anyone can give it a bash, but no, probably not. Not popularly, anyway.

What are your favourite names?
Boy: William.
Girl: Aoife.

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
Ha ha ha!

Name a good song.
The lyrics at the top.

Where's your sister?
In Leeds, as far as I know. She should be in a lecture. She'll be in bed.

Have you got balls?
No.

How would you react if someone kissed you right now?
Assuming I didn't object to their presence in my face - kiss them back. If I objected - probably just say "Errr...".

Wheres the weirdest place you’ve peed?
Back of a taxi. No, I didn't tell him. Yes, I was pissed. Yes, I was 14.

Are you scared of Cows?
I think everyone is a little bit. They are bloody huge and stupid. Not a good combination.

Anything else to add?
I'm seriously late for uni.

I like that the 11am church bells seem to have become my regular wake-up alarm.

I've decided that today I should probably register for my course and part with my only cash.

I was supposed to do it last Monday - I queued dutifully but was told that they need by bank account debit card details, and I 'only had' my sort code, account number and roll number. Heavens. Given that I'd only opened the account an hour beforehand, I lacked these details. I was sent them on Thursday, but...I have been putting it off. Niggly "are you doing the right thing?" voices kept me awake all of last night (until I put my earplugs in, which stopped them, and then started me worrying that there was actually an external voice saying them. Ahh, fatigue).

So I am going to go and do it today. Then I will get my library card, so that I can go and take out the books I need to read for Thursday. Only Foucault's A History of Sexuality, so, y'know, light, breezy reading that should only take an evening

My first seminar is today too, at 4.15 - 6.15. Unfortunately this does mean I won't be home in time for dinner today, which is a shame, as it is, I believe, that gastronomic delight known as "Cornish pasty". I remain baffled as to why these keep appearing on the menu. These are a train station snack, are they not? And bleugh, I hate them. I think the other option is carbonara, which would probably also be fairly risky. Luckily, I have one in the fridge already. 5 minutes....*ding*.

I also need to buy a tin opener, I'm craving tuna and can't get in the tins *scrabble*.

So, that is my thrilling day ahead. I think I should start it by ceasing to be naked in a dressing gown.

(From Subville.)

Using your iPod, MP3 player, or Windows Media Player, put your favourite playlist on Shuffle and answer the following for each song as they come up:

1. "Red" by Elbow

Your favourite lyric from this song:

You burn too bright
You live too fast
This can't go on too long
You're a tragedy starting to happen...

Does this song have any bad memories attached?

No, only loving it.

What genre is this song?

Er...Elbow.

2. "If Only" by KT Tunstall

What is the last line of the song?

If only it was only me now.

Have you ever seen this artist live?

Yes, at Grimsby Auditorium (rock on).

Who does this song make you think of?

Steph. Not in a bad way, just coz she's Scottish

3. "Something in the Air" by Thunderclap Newman

What is the first line of this song?

Call out the instigator, because there's something in the air

Where did you first hear this song?

Dad. Maybe in the car.

How about the first time you heard this artist?

It came out about twenty years before I was born

4. "The Boy With The Bubblegun" by Tom McRae

What friend could this be a theme song for?

Haven't a scooby.

Write down the chorus:

I'm the boy with the bubblegun
I'm taking aim
I cannot hit to hurt or cause you pain
If words could kill
I'd spell out your name

Why do you like this song?

It's calming to listen to and reminds me of a sunny V2003.

5. "Books From Boxes" by Maximo Park

What kind of film would you choose this as a theme for?

One made by Film 4.

Who introduced you to this group?

Music Tee-Vee

What is your favourite part of this song?

You have to leave, I appreciate that
But I hate when conversation slips out of our grasp...

6. "Sunburn" by Muse

The fourth line reads:

A guilty conscience grows...

How long is this song?

3:54

Is this song one of your favourites? Why or why not?

It is. It is is is. Oh my god, yes, it is. *Listens to it all before going to next song*.

7. "Blue Would Still Be Blue" by Guillemots.

How long have you been listening to this artist?

3 yearsish.

What's the cover look like on the album this song came from?

Like this:

What's this song about?

Life goes on as it always has. It could be worse. But with you, it could be so much better.

And funny, I was thinking this as I scrolled down the page...

...but not because they haunt me. It's more along the lines of "What bloody use are they without a translation, put an English one up in its place!"

Clickeh.

I could survive for 47 seconds chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor

Sissy and proud

My Tesco Clubcard vouchers arrived:

No specific type. I have simple tastes.

I feel understood and loved.

No, the title does not make any sense, I had to put something though, right? It is merely what I am quaffing right now - 2 litres thereof - in order to stop myself feeling hungry for food I haven't got. I am also psyching myself up for a 2 minute walk to the supermarket to buy food with money I haven't got.

I am tired today. Last night a girl decided to drink too much, and her friends were very worried about her. At 1.30am she vomited vodka everywhere, then drank two pints of water, threw that up, climbed into bed, waved at us, farted, and turned her lamp off. I declared her to be absolutely fine, and left the room. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, had a face pouring with blood after falling over outside the students' union. At least, he presumed he had fallen over, as he remembered "having a kerb in his face". He himself declared that he was fine, and that all was right with the world. I stopped caring, and went back to bed, but didn't get to sleep for a long time. It's nice living near church bells sometimes, but not when they tell you it is 3am...4am... Anyway, I went to see the kids young responsible adults this morning and I am delighted to report that they both look like shit. Ha.

I should probably make a start on one of the eight books that has arrived for me in the past two days. They all look like realllly heavy reading though, I simply can't be bothered today. I worry I am going to feel like this everyday. I am feeling distinctly unmotivated.

I feel like napping. Yes, I think I shall nap. I am supposed to be going out for a fair few drinkypoos myself tonight. Food, books, and job can wait.

...that everyone could be happy.

...has been slow and lame.

The nearby church alarm bells managed to confuse me again, ringing (I swear) 9 times when it was actually 10am, meaning I stayed in bed until 11am, and therefore wasted a whole hour I which I could've been doing something productive that can only take place between 9 and 10am. I don't know what, but there must be something. Hmph. Lame.

I then sat on the internet for 3 hours, reading blogs, emailing a few people, buying a load of books, books I will never get round to reading, because I spend all my free time doing important things like sleeping and sitting on the internet. I so lame.

Then I got dressed.

Then, I put some clothes away, and marvelled at how much floor space I actually have.

Then, I started applying for a job, but stopped at the bit everyone stops at - Personal Statement. LAME. So boring. I'll finish it tomorrow. Possibly.

Then I went down for dinner. That was also lame.

Then we all watched a lame fire safety video circa 1982. Lame. There was a stupid blonde girl in the front row who kept giggling at the music used over the images of dead, smoke-filled children. I hate her. I wish I knew her name. Lameass.

New series of Heroes was lame. Even Mock the Week was a bit lame.

Now have vodka and tonic. La- Oh, no, not lame. Very not lame.

*glug*