Ho hum.

Pro: Final seminar of the year, on the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, which I managed to actively participate in despite having only read ONE short story about half an hour before the class. Blagger til I die.

Con: It's not even May...I do wonder at the reasoning behind such high 'tuition fees' seeing as I won't be back in a seminar room til October.

Pro: Went to Waterstone's on campus before getting the bus. Had a pile of books. Worried about the total being £46. Remembered gift card! Every penny counts, think I, I'll use it towards these. It had £30 on it! Bargainous book shopping, 5 for £16.

Con: I'll have to read the bloody things now. Oh well - will be a long summer.

Pro: The weather held out for a quick trip to Somerfield.

Con: It's raining now, and I have to go outside shortly.

Pro: Got some lovely French bread and chocolate raisins on the go here, a recipe for a passably pleasant evening if you ask me.

Con: I'm on duty tonight

Pro: My baby platys are growing nicely.

Con: An albino cory has been looking ill for days and days now, but I don't know what's the matter with it.

Pro: Umm...

Con: I have no more pros, and plenty more cons

Like I said, I had an amazing time. It was packed (about 19,000 people I think) so the atmosphere was incredible (even before I'd finished my pint of red wine) (on top of the bottle of red in the hotel room). The performance was amazing - the set, the dancers, the acrobats - so much work went into it. It was like Moulin Rouge met a crazed Harlequin Circus. She did stuff from all of her albums, not just the latest, along with the odd Queen, Gnarls Berkely and Led Zeppelin cover.

Half the time everyone was dancing and singing like mad people, or you'd look around and see everyone was staring at her with their mouth open while she flung herself around in the air, or (and I was a victim twice) people were bawling their eyes out.

We were just to the left of the stage that stuck out into the audience, can't have been more than 7 or 8 metres from her. I never attempted to take any photos or videos because my camera is shite, but there videos on YouTube already and these are some of them - courtesy of a girl in an even better spot than us and who videoed the whole thing! Please watch them if you have 15 minutes to spare.

This is how it opened. I love the strutting down the centre stage and blatant playing to the camera! Laaaavely closeup

Then she did this one. Note the writhing - mmm. It's my all time favourite Pink song and I completely spazzed out and sang screamed myself hoarse:

Acrobatic Pink! She does loads of this stuff all the way through, I don't know how she manages to sing at the same time. This was one of the mouth-gaping ones:

Title track. Incredibly fucking entertaining. Loved it. Do do do do do do do!:

She finished with this one. It's another of my favourite songs for various reasons. The lyrics have always got to me. Needless to say I was bawling - it had been such a good night I think it all got to me a bit. Plus - they dunk her in water while not wearing very much, I think that would move any self-respecting lezzer to tears:

So there we go. Had an amazing time. Really needed it.

I'm very tired after very little sleep.

So, suffice to say for now, observe our proximity to Pink's mighty fine ass:

Pity, eh?

*Fans self again*

I've earned a break! I've packed my rucksack and cleaned Lucy out. Fish next. Promise. (They look really ill.)

From here.

In 1990, NASA launched the Hubble Telescope, to facilitate the viewing of the dark places in our universe. So...

1. Do you believe in Life On Other Planets?
Nope. People keep saying it's statistically impossible for there not to be, but it's just as possible there isn't. I err on the side of caution and supremacy.

2. If you met an ET, how would you feel?
I would feel like I had eaten some rancid turkey and had 30 seconds to find a toilet. Scared.

3. Do you believe that Mankind belongs among the stars?
Well we can get there, so why not? Obviously we don't belong up there though, it takes a lot to keep us alive and non-imploded.

4. Do you think we will colonise another planet in your lifetime?
I think there will be a moonbase. Whether it will be permanently manned, I know not. Who'd want that job? Not many perks.

5. Would you be prepared to accept the challenge of being a colonist on another planet, with all the possible hardships involved?
Only if the planet was an improvement on Earth, and had unlimited Wi-Fi. Otherwise, no. I don't even like planes, can you actually imagine leaving the sky???

I have MUCH to do tonight.

I must clean out the hamster - who I recall I haven't seen for a few days, actually.

I must clean out the fish. A full on clean the gravel and the glass job, not just some water.

I must wash up salmony pan from yesterday.

I must put away all the clothes - there are many - that I bought today.

I must eat something before I faint.

I must PACK.

PAAAAACK.

This time tomorrow, I shall be seeing PIIIIIIIIIINK (hothothothothothot)with a fellow blogger of the parish, and I can't fucking wait.

Late night ahead.

(I must pack the tickets.)

My pharmacist friend text me this earlier. (I was eating, at the time, of all things, and for the first time in months and months, a steak bake from Greggs (be assured that I have plenty of justification for this, involving being late for work and not eating anything else today). Anyway, it was a particularly globulous bake, and I was put off eating it for a moment. But only a moment.)

Guess what happened at work today? An addict who is also a prostitute came in for her methadone saying her stomach felt funny then she sat down saying stuff was coming out of her. This stuff was blood and bits coming out her VAGINA. She had just had a miscarriage but after asking her questions she hadn't had a period for three months but didn't know she was pregnant because it was normal for her. On putting pressure on her VAGINA she....wait, I should've said this bit earlier: she had an abcess from injecting heroin, just below her VAGINA. Well of course, this was not good, being just below her VAGINA. So it exploded and sperm-like pus shot out covering the floor along with the remains of the blood and stuff. Enjoy your tea x

I think I hate him. If only because he inexplicably capitalised 'vagina' throughout.

It starts out with a theme, and ends up...random.

I'm doing it because I'm supposed to be having a bath right now and I can't face getting wet, it's so inconvenient.

1. When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?
I run the bath very hot, leave it for 10 minutes, then get in. When showering, start it up first - don't like being blasted with cold first!

2. Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
Sometimes - if I'm bored - the Herbal Essences ones have silly facts about men on the back now.

3. Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial?
No. Nobody does.

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?
No. Been in the shower room, not in the shower.

5. Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
Forced into the bath, yes. My sister once pooed in the bath. I noticed first.

6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
Always. I don't do it for time saving - I do it because I can legitmately dribble.

7. Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
Shampoo bottles

8. How old do you look?
I got told 29 the other day. Then got told 22. I sulked at both. I think I look 25. Handy.

9. How old do you act?
Both elderley and like a teenager.

10. What's the last song you sang?
A Pink song. Getting excited about Saturday!

11. Have you recently become a member of anything?
No I cancelled my Hotel Chocolat membership though.

12. What are your plans for the weekend?
Pink in Manchester on Saturday with idontknowwhy and my sister and her mates. Sunday...well if anybody's in Manchester and fancies a hello...there may also be a hangover - do hope not.

13. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?
Depends.

14. Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?
She has a Z in her name?

15. Does anything on your body itch right now?
My head. Must go wash it

16. Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?
Angelina. It is fading a bit, but the sexy legacy is there...

17. Who's the sexiest famous man alive?
George Clooney. But the hottest man alive is Daniel Craig.

18. Does every family have a crazy uncle?
Mine does - but he does have mental disabilities, so perhaps I'm shouldn't agree...

19. Have you ever smuggled something into your home country?
Space Cakes. Waheeyyyy, I'm a drug smuggler.

20. Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?
Only if they don't do it in a 'look at me' kind of way, just kind of play around on it without realising people are watching. And definitely no "this song is for/about you". Retch.

21. Do you live in a city with a good sports team?
Hull City are alright these days, right?

22. Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag?
Duh.

23. Have you ever had sex in a tent?
Yes.

24. What about in a boat?
Don't think so. No.

25. Have you ever dated a Goth?
I've shagged one.

26. Can you fix your own car?
Buy me one and I'll give it a go.

27. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?
Neither, thanks. Just normal ground with normal weather.

28. If money were not a problem, where would you like to live?
Stop taunting me Canada.

29. Soft bed or firm?
Soft.

30. Last thing received in the mail?
A fluffy highland cow fridge magnet from Jenniebaby. It plays Old McDonald and has goggly eyes. I love it.

To save me trying to figure out what has actually been announced in *dramatic music* The Budget this year (it's so tedious), can you tell me, in a nutshell, whether any of it will affect ME or not?

I'm single. I'm female. I'm nearly 25. I don't smoke. I don't drink that often. I don't drive. I don't own any property (this is becoming a bit depressing, I might stop). I am the spectacular societal non-entity that is a part time postgraduate. I don't earn very much so don't pay that much tax at the moment. I do not get nor am I entitled to any benefits or tax credits of any kind.

So I think I know the answer will be a resounding "NO, layabout scum who can't even be bothered to find out, this will not affect you at all".

see more pwn and owned pictures

NotBob called me a cynic for my comment on the Ask or Answer group post about this woman, here.

I'm not being cynical, it's true. She's being exploited, and it was planned, and I'll tell you for why!

When we see these people walk on the stage, it isn't the first audition they have. They are seen by another group first back in December/January-ish. Then, nearer the time, they let you know if you have got through to the next round - where you meet Cowell and the Gang, and get filmed. Have you not noticed how we never see anybody just merely average at something? They're all entertaining, even if it's just because they're appalling at something. They don't want to see average duds - they want brilliance or stupidity, nothing inbetween.

I repeat, I'm not denying she's a wonderful singer, raw talent, etc, etc. But look how quickly all the publicity started - quite literally within hours. SOMEBODY would've already known she was an amazing singer, and I'm willing to bet Simon Cowell did too.

They were all in on it, they're just playing on our heartstrings as usual.

So there.

Enough already about Susan Boyle.

More. And there are some good ones this week! I like this one most:

I didn't mean to get so drunk last night. I just planned to have a small glass of wine after work. Which I did. Then I had the whole bottle.

Mouth's a bit dry today. Feeuuunnnchhh.

According to my Twitterbox I apparently wanted to be Iron Man, or a rocket man, and I was angry at myself for denying myself this. Obviously.

Also, re: the brief foray into stars at the side of the page instead of stripes...again, under the influence, and retrotastic order has been restored.

Stars were thus:

Bath time. I'm definitely not Iron Man.

...but I didn't want to do it...

...so I got drunk. Wahey!

Edit: But I did change from stripes to stars. Yay or nay?

I wish I had plans tomorrow.

I was supposed to be seeing a friend but she's had to cancel. For good reason, so I won't grumble too much. (Grumble).

Maybe I could still go and buy new knickers anyway. All the rest of the students will be moving back to the Hall tomorrow, so I'd quite like to be out the way really.

Ideally, tomorrow, I would get up, bath, go to town, buy knickers, buy useful things like bathroom and kitchen cleaner, get home, nip to the supermarket for edibles that won't poison me, get home again, tidy my room a bit, have tea, then do lots of work in the evening.

In reality, I will get up about 11am, wander into the bathroom, wander out the bathroom, blink a lot, eventually get in the bath at about midday, wonder whether toast and chocolate constitutes a meal, decide it doesn't so have nothing, get dressed, mess around on the internet for a few hours, eat bacon, go to supermarket and buy random things that don't really go together as food, get home, kick the piles of washing, watch the fish, have dinner, watch TV if something is on, watch a DVD if there isn't, look at my calendar, crap my pants about deadlines, make a half hearted attempt to care about William Morris's utopian politics, give up, and go back to bed.

I hate how I'm so predictable that I know I won't even make an effort to change my routine.

Hmph.

...sentence. (If you like. I am killing time before going to work, what's your excuse?)

1. My ex... is an ex is an ex, hurrah.

2. Maybe I should... move to Canada.

3. I love... keeping fish.

4. People would say that I am... smart-mouthed.

5. I don't understand... the most basic of maths.

6. When I wake up in the morning... I go right back to sleep again.

7. I trust... my Dad.

8. Life is full of... piles of washing I will never do. Make a metaphor of that if you like.

9. My past taught me... it's not healthy to cotton-wool children.

11. Parties are... something other people get invited to.

13. Dogs... are pretty gormless, but better than...

14. Cats... are very tempting.

15. Tomorrow is... Saturday, and I am meeting a friend for lunch, in theory, then I'm buying some more knickers as I hate all mine.

16. I have a low tolerance for... absolutely everything, but especially having to explain myself.

17. If I had a million pounds... I would pay my rent, pay next year's fees, look into PhDs, buy Mum and Dad the house they want, buy a nice house for myself near the coast, get a labrador, Westie, two cats, give loads to animal charities, and adopt a kid with the change.

18. I'm terrified of... injections, empty plastic water bottles (especially when they wobble), people brushing their teeth and speaking with toothpaste in their mouths, putting smelly rubbish out into a smelly bins, death.

19. When I look at the night sky I think... I hate finishing work at 10pm.

20. If I could be anyone it would be... Sue Perkins.

21. God is... a nice idea, if you're into that kinda thing.

22. One thing I want to do before I die... I'm not going to die, what a stupid idea.

23. I hate... having issues. And that there are no questions 10 and 25.

24. If I had a superpower it would be... telepathy, which would stop me having to badger everyone to know exactly what is going on with everything at any time.

I have food poisoning.

People often say that when they don't really have it. But I DO. I went to bed at 11.30pm last night, with stomach cramps. I got out of bed at 11.45pm. I got back into bed at 7am. My bathroom looked, smelt and sounded like a Victorian dysentery ward, most notably due to the lack of assistance or sympathy.

At first I thought it was due to the chicken curry Mum made on Monday night, but Dad isn't ill (Mum's a veggie, "Just sauce for me!") so that ruled that out.

On the phone to Dad this morning (it's his birthday, I never normally make a habit of calling) I shared the finer details my gastronomical troubles. We were trying to decide what caused them.

"Wait", he says, "wait just a minute". He sounds excited, pepped. He's onto something. "Did you have any of that TURKEY you bought from Somerfield yesterday?"

"Umm, yes, I think so. Yes, but it was in da-"

"Have you not learned after what happened to me when I ate TURKEY?!"

My Dad, you see, is a self-appointed minister for the Church of I Ate A Turkey Sandwich In 1987 And It Gave Me Salmonella Poisoning For A Week.

"Dad, it was totally fresh turkey, and really, you have to let that incident go now."

"This always happens! Don't you remember the last time you had a bad stomach, you had eaten some TURKEY?"

"...I honestly don't remember. I have bought that turkey many times though. It's a one off."

"DON'T BUY ANY MORE TURKEY! THROW AWAY YOUR TURKEY!"

Heated conversation ensued, halted by my urgent need to get off the phone and visit the throne.

The upshot is that I am not going to tell Dad when I buy, or ever consume, in any circumstance, TURKEY.

(I have tried to remedy myself with non-alcoholic fruit punch (Sprite mixed with tropical fruit juice), one piece of dry toast, and half an Easter egg. It hasn't really worked.)

Damn! Now what am I going to wear?!

(Ridiculously hot, no matter what she wears *swoon*)

12 days to go!

Dad's picking me up tonight, "between 6pm and 7.30pm", and I'll not be back here until next Tuesday.

Must clean out the fish. And hamster (taking her home...may leave her...). And I haven't washed up for over a week.

Must p a c k.

Probably should've got up before 11.30am...probably should've gone to bed before 3am...ah well.

I've missed home. I haven't seen my sister since Christmas. I miss her a lot these days. Twenty four hours in her company may change that, but ho hum. Easter Sunday dinner will be and Nanna and Grandad's. Haven't seen them since January either.(Grandad is getting so old, so quickly.)

Happy Easter, if I'm not around much. Enjoy the chocolate. I will. It's free.

Have a song:

I have recently learned (learnt? learned? I don't think I'll ever know) the following about developments in yoof communication:

1) 'That' has become 'Th@'. I think the less said about that the better.

2) In a time when most of the older population is still getting to grips with predicted text, yoof have come up with a way of managing to speed up the already fairly rapid process of producing words with single click of each button. Normally, you type something in, then often have to change it to the word you want, eg. Mum comes up as Nun, Used comes up as Tree, Pint comes up as Riot, and Anal comes up as Cock, etc. Yoof are bypassing the inconvenience of having to press another button to change the word, and simply leave it as it is. Other yoof are able to decipher what they mean simply by knowing which other letters it could be.

Therefore (I know this is an unlikely sentence but I don't know what yoof actually do):

Won't be home for tea, mum, been a cock up at work and I need a break, I'm going straight to the pub for a pint.

=

Won't be good for tea, nun, been a anal up at work and I need a creak, I'm going straight to the sub for a riot.

Obviously.

But does it make more sense than:

Wnt b hm 4 t bin cck up @ wrk n ned a brk goin strt 2 pub 4 pnt

I just can't decide...

...but I think we all knew this, really.

As ReTweeted by Phil Jupitus (of all people) just now:

 

1) Off to see the ridiculously hot Pink in Manchester with the lovely idontknowwhy on 25th April, followed by a night out and then crashing in a Travelodge - all decided in a couple of hours, I love it when that happens.

2) A visit to Landers and Scoobydoofus in Galway at the end of May.

3) Quick hop over to Germany for the Berlin Blogmeet to see, among many others, the ever entertaining Rampage and my darling big sis. Then it's back over to Ireland.

4) Hopefully a trip over to Manchester again to see Row and Rach - diaries permitting

5) A daft night out in Hull with xmillyxxx, brokendownangel and idontknowwhy. We're gonna look like one of those groups of happy fat birds on a Wobble Watchers advert...except we'll be drinking more than 80 calories worth of wine, saved up as a treat. And, if anyone is up to braving Hull, you're welcome to join us

Well - not a bad list, eh?

I've just been reading some 'projected plans' for something-or-other at work:

...hopefully to be in place for 2016/17...

Surely this is a made up date?

'2016/17' - that is unfathomably futuristic.

Surely none of us will be around to actually witness these incomprehensible days?

Oh, no. Wait. I'll actually be 32.

Happy happy, joy joy.

...for no good reason, really.

No more silly private posts, I promise. (For now.)

Feel a little better...

...well actually I feel very sick, but...yeah.

B has just this second text me telling me she probably won't be able to go and see Pink in a few weeks. We had a row on the phone the other night because I told her I was waiting for her give me a reason for not being able to go anymore. She got very arsey and promised she wouldn't back out...so I admit to feeling a little smug that she has. More smug than disppointed that she might not be able to. Her reason is that her course is not running this Friday/next Monday because of the Easter nonsense, and therefore it will be made up for on the 18th and 25th. It's a personal training course. Really? It needs to be made up on two Saturdays? Ok then.

I'm debating going by myself rather than simply not go because she can't.

(Well I know I won't. But it's nice to pretend I'd be brave enough. Maybe I'll practice by going to the cinema alone first of all...ha!)

Back to the books. Have to write an essay on whether the Arts and Crafts Movement and/or the work of William Morris was 'A radical ideology supporting a reactionary aesthetic'. I'm going to work on figuring out the question first. (After 8 Out of 10 Cats.)

Work tomorrow, and out for tea. Back to normal.

Thank you, everyone, for blogging about which horse you chose and how it ran.

If you hadn't, I wouldn't have even known it was the GN today

(I'm not with it today.)

Caught in the act, Andre - if you're going to try and sneak a nap, make sure you're hidden properly...

Yes, you read correctly. Shortly, I will have TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE, and may have to SHARE SOME.

*goes dizzy*

I am a member of the Hotel Chocolat tasting club. This was done on a whim last summer, probably because I was hungry at the time. Anyway, it's pretty expensive, so I don't actually get that much. It's usually at least 4 months between choccies. The last lot was in January. But I couldn't resist the Easter egg on offer: this baby. Disgustingly tempting. So I ordered it. And they delivered it to my parents' address. Who shit themselves at the thought of me buying expensive chocolate when they're bailing me out for my rent. Fair enough, I suppose.

So I tell them it is an error.

I call Hotel Chocolat and say something along the lines of "REALLY THOUGH, SRSLY, STOP SENDING MY SHIT TO MY MUM AND DAD - BECAUSE...[am I going to say this?]...THEY LIVE IN CYPRUS NOW - THE HOUSE IS EMPTY!".

Oh my. I fibbed.

So it is established with the very nice lady on the phone (who I am a bit sorry to have duped) that there is zero possiblity of the egg being delivered to the house, therefore, I don't have to pay for it (oh my, a 'non-existant' free egg! Yay! Shame I can't get at it for another week or so...).

She interrupts my train of thought: "And to apologise for the inconvenience we will be able to offer you something else from the catalogue instead..."

"Keep talking."

"How does this sound?"

"Wellll, I think I'll be able to force it down..."

So there we have it. A massive one at my folks' house, and a massive one on its way to me.

I freely use the word: awesome.

I can't eat all of this myself though. Well, I can, but I won't. Who wants some?

My current Facebook status is about wanting a cat.

This is the sponsored advert I was rewarded with:

I don't know what this animal is...but I know I want it.

A week or so ago I spazzed a bit at seeing two baby fish in my tank, which then became a bit of an emotional rollercoaster through not knowing whether they would live or die.

Realising I was spending far too much of every evening sat in a chair staring right into the tank to spy on them, I decided something had to be done, especially because my mickey mouse platy was definitely going to drop a load that night. I'm fine them being eaten, as long as I don't actually ever see them.

So the next day I put a breeding net into the tank, bunged a load of moss in it, and played hunt the bebes. I found the original two, now getting a little plump, netted them and put in them in the breeder. Then I moved a rock and found four more! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

So I have SIX BEBES in my net. EEEEEEEEEE! They are about 1cm long.

Not very clear, I know: